No one cared who I was until I put on the mask

I've been working hard so long
seems like pain has been my only friend
my fragile heart's been done so wrong
I wondered if I'd ever heal again.

Lately, I've been thinking a little way too much... again. I just can't help it but to think a lot which makes me feel so insecure and afraid of what's going to happen in the future. I think all this late night sleep really makes me think way too much. They usually say, "live life to the max and let things flow". I don't think I can live to that quote. I have this insecurity in me that makes me think of how other people may view of me and what's not. I know I'm not suppose to think that way but I just can't. My mind naturally makes me think of the worst and make me have that fear in me. I may look strong on the outside but I'm a complete mess in the inside, to be honest. The future is the home of my deepest fear and wildest hope. 

Not long ago, my brother came back from Aussie and he kept on lecturing me. About how I don't take care of myself, the wrong degree that I chose and what to expect in the working world. I feel like a failure failing to plan. I know he makes a lot of sense cause he's older than I am and have gone through more things than I do. Sometimes I wish he could just shut up and let me live my life. But then again, with all that words he said really make me realize I'm such a failure in planning in which this case, I'm wasting my life. Well, not to say I'm completely wasting my life, I do enjoy what I'm doing now, cheerleading and dancing. Everytime when I come back home and just sit in my room, I always think that what will I be in the next 5 years? I can't picture myself anywhere in the next 5 years yet. I think I still have yet to discover about myself. 

I'm always worried about what I may lose what I have now in the future. I am afraid i may lose the things I love a lot. Come to think of it, it's a lesson to teach you how be strong and it's a lesson to be learn. That's not completely true. It's hard to go through through life losing the things you once love so much. 

I also somewhat hate the feeling that people expect way too much from me. People would be like "She can do everything. It's Fiona". It's great to have people looking up upon you. However, if you fail to be what they expect you to do, you feel really disappointed and at the end, you suffer major mental and emotional breakdown. I love challenges, I really do. Sometimes I just wish people won't expect too much on me. To be frank, it makes me feel like they're using me.