Honestly, I kept telling myself that I should move on and I thought I actually did. But I guess not. I was watching a movie today and it was about romance. That movie really brought me to tears. Not just tearing bit by bit but it was like flooding down my face :/ Maybe I'm wrong about the part where I might not have actually moved on. It probably, seems to me, I forgot how it is like to feel being loved and to love someone. It has only been 3 months since I broke up but then I don't know why but happy couples are surrounding me. Seeing them giggling with each other and holding hands. I'm pretty jealous seeing that cause I knew I once had it all but I just let it slipped off. Seriously jealousy is the worst emotion ever. You’re not only really sad but you’re really annoyed and helpless at the same time and you feel pathetic like you’re ruining people’s fun but don’t want to be left out so you just sit around quietly annoyed.
Besides from seeing all those happy couples, I did take sometime to think about myself. More like reflecting about myself when I watch movies. I don’t find myself unattractive, but I also don’t find myself attractive. I feel like I’m just sort of here, not something that really grabs anyone’s attention. Sort of like a chair. Or maybe a lamp. You might say that I'm living a miserable life. Sometimes I also think that I have everything that I need and done things that I love most. But there's just one thing that's missing. That empty part of my heart.
It's pretty tiring to put on a fake smile showing people that you feel alright. But then thinking about it, I feel great that I did it because I don't have to explain everything. That's because I myself is a person who can't describe about how I feel. Asking me to describe about how I feel is harder than solving a freaking math question. I rather put on that fake smile and just live through the day instead. There's no need to show how you feel entirely to everyone. It's pretty pathetic thinking about it. Imagine every single human being out there just shows how they really feel. The world is going to be chaotic.
I have a friend who always ask me about my love life but then after that break up, I told myself, "It's enough. No more love for you, Fiona. If the right time comes and if the right guy appear, then things will just go along smoothly,".
Well maybe, that's enough about my love life/feeling. I just need to be tough and mature enough to get through things. Back to reality. I was given a chance to listen to a talk about career. It kinda sadden me to think that I am an aimless person. My brother did tell me to sit down and think about jobs that I want to do and the pathway that I need to go through. Being the smart and ignorant me, I completely ignored him while he just lecturer me. I was so foolish to do that. I need to and MUST think of what I really want to become next time. I can't just sit there and think, "So... I'm gonna marry a rich guy and live happily ever after". No, that won't become reality. That only happens in movies. I just gotta be mature, AGAIN, to think about my future.
So, till the next time :)
No comments:
Post a Comment